Fasting my husband...WHAT???

So today was my first official day at church without Casey. I wasn't looking forward to it. I kept thinking "I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna cry". But I made myself get out of bed (not really, the dogs have been getting me up at an outrageously early hour), and got ready for my churches 9:15 service.

So here are a couple of things I like about my service: 1. There is hardly anyone ever there! I know I know, most people want to have a full church, but I can't stand small talk (or the feeling of being alone surrounded by strangers), so the less people there the better. And anyways everyone that goes to my church campus likes to sleep in till the later service! 2. The awesome worship! It's usually loud and dark in the service, which is perfect if you say "break down and cry", and don't want everyone to notice. 3. We have some great pastors at my church, and I'm always intrigued by there messages.

So I kept reminding myself of these three things, and God's presence, as I drove to church. I have to say, everything went fairly well. Sure, I got choked up sometimes, and sure, the worship was acoustic...which made it even harder not to cry; but I made it through!! I just had to constantly remind myself that I should be rejoicing in the Lord, and not getting down and depressed because of my circumstances. It worked out pretty well!!

Then came the message. Pastor Joe was preaching on fasting today, and I really got a lot out of his service. One of his points that really stuck with me was how fasting can help reveal our true nature to ourselves...and it got me thinking about my situation in life. **Disclaimer: I'm of the opinion that you should always be open to what God is telling you, and that you should always be asking yourself, "How does this apply to me?"** So I was truly pondering a life of fasting, and how giving Casey up felt so acutely close to it, when God intervened.

To explain this more, I have to give you a little bit of a background on everything. If you know me, then you should know that Casey and I are connected at the hip! I'm one of those rare women who love to spend ALL of my time with my husband...GASP!! So when Casey left, I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to cope (for more info please reference my past post). Furthermore, as taboo as some people will take this, after God, Casey really is my "life-bread". I don't mean this in a worshipful way, only that God has placed him in my life as a sort of rock.

If you still aren't following my drift, you should probably give up now, because the rest will just confuse you more.

So God started sharing with me how He was going to fill that "hunger for Casey" void, and kept reminding me of how He had sustained me through the week thus far. Now I know I'm not exactly "fasting" my husband...nor am I really even abstaining, but I am giving him up (whether I want to or not). Which, no matter how you look at it, is hard. So when God spoke to me, it gave me some much needed relief.

I know God is revealing thing to me about myself, that I might never have learned if Casey hadn't left. I'm learning that I can make it through the day (a huge accomplishment), and that I can take out the trash on my own, and go to sleep with-out crying. These were things I never knew about myself, things I would have never tried. Some of you out there in internet-world might be thinking, "Gosh, that doesn't sound tough at all.", but when you are put to the task of living alone (having never done so before) you might think otherwise.

So God has really not only been showing me my true nature, but more importantly HIS! He has shown me in this last 1/2 week how much he longs for me, and how much he cares. I haven't gone a single second without the feeling of being completely surrounded by God. It's a huge comfort!

Another comfort in this time of pain is God's word. I've been meditating on scripture and how God said in Genesis that "...they will become one flesh" (referring to the husband and wife). I feel Casey near me, like we are one flesh. No matter the void between us, we are connected because of Christ. Isn't that awesome? Doesn't it make you just want to jump up in the air and do a little dance!!? I know it does for me. My biggest fear with Casey leaving, was the thought of falling out of "sync" with him...and here God is telling me that HE will be our connection!! HE will be our bridge!! Hallelujah!!

Anyways, I just wanted to share a little bit about God's love. I could still use everyone's prayers, especially as we progress further into Casey's training. This next year is bound to be hard, but with God's guidance I know Casey and I will both be able to make it through.